Wicked Winter Weather

Filed in archive Golf Humor on December 31, 2008

That ball's here somewhere

If you live on the west coast of North America, then you're clearly aware that this winter is rapidly turning into a monster.

Under normal winter conditions up and down the coast, from Vancouver, British Columbia to the tip of the Baja peninsula, golfers scoff at winter and why wouldn't they?

Snow never falls. Golfers on Vancouver Island know this only too well. Year after year, they laugh at their fellow Canuck golfers to the east who are inevitably caught in a Deep Freeze and Deep Snow while they walk green fairways at will and play 12 months a year largely without interruption.

But not this year. Oh no, this winter is like that killer wave in Perfect Storm, the one that finally takes down George Clooney and his trawler crew in the movie.

This winter has caught B.C's golfers with their shorts down. A friend, a non-golfer but a fellow with a great deal of empathy for those of us who play, sent me the following description of the scene on Vancouver Island recently.

The chickens have come home to roost.

To wit:

VANCOUVER ISLAND DECLARES CIVIL EMERGENCY

For all you non-Islanders, we have had 70cm of snow in the past week. The
snow is not an issue for most of us, but it fell on the golf courses too
which is a very serious problem.
The following is a blow-by-blow report of the current extreme weather
conditions on Vancouver Island:

6:22 AM Temperature plunges to -8.3 C. Word spreads that a Comox resident
finds ice on the windshield of his Bimmer. Curious neighbors gather to
watch him scrape if off with his Gold Master Card. One motorist, a former
Albertan, claims use of the mysterious "defrost" switch on the dashboard of
the car can aid in the process.

9:30 AM Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin
cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, cricket bats, mashies
and niblicks, umbrellas, cookie sheets, and boogie boards.

10:00 AM Golfers at Qualicum's Memorial Golf Club have broken into the
ladies locker room where the ladies' bridge club store their card tables,
and are now strapping the card tables to the front of their golf carts in
order to clear the fairways and greens. The Pro has sanctioned the use of
orange balls.

Noon Elementary schools call in grief counselors. Grief counselors
refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires.

2:30PM Rush hour begins an hour early as office workers come down with
mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by
large number of SUV four-wheel drive vehicles abandoned by side of road,
still in 2-wheel drive mode. When questioned, one female SUV owner asked,
"What's four wheel drive?"

2:50 PM Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No way to travel
between Island and the ROTW (rest of the world). Victoria newspaper
Times-Colonist headline reads, "Mainland cut off from Civilization."

3:00 PM Nanaimo-Parksville Conservative Member of Parliament, James Lunney
phones Prime Minister Harper asking for financial assistance. PM replies,
"Foreign aid budget all allocated for 2008."

3:10PM Same MP phones Peter Mackay, Minister of Defence, asking for
assistance from Canada's DART rapid-response military team. Minister replies
they will be on the ground in Parksville as early as July 2009, or sooner if
they can rent a suitable aircraft from Brazil.

3:30 PM B C Lottery Corp. responds to emergency by installing slot machines
in Nanaimo homeless shelter.

4:15 PM Fears of food shortages lead to alarming scenes of violence and
looting at grocery stores in Victoria, except for Oak Bay, where residents
hire caterers to do rioting for them.

5:40 PM TV weatherman Ed Bain in Victoria, shaking uncontrollably, tells
viewers that snow warnings have been extended. This weather pattern could go
on for days. Mercury plunges to Winnipeg-in-August temperatures. Martial
law is declared and Premier Campbell has called an emergency meeting of his
cabinet on the main deck of HMCS Protecteur where an emergency command
centre will be established as soon as they dock in Honolulu.

6:00PM The sidewalks are rolled up and we retreat to our parlors with our
mulled wine.
Happy New Year to all!